The Secret History of Santa Claus
“If events in history are like so many pebbles in a pond, then I’m an avalanche”
—Santa Claus
To paraphrase Shakespeare, Santa Claus “dothbestride our times like a colossus”—both literally and figuratively. No single man so dominates a season of the year (from Labor Day to Super Bowl Sunday) like he does. Disregarding what we tell our children, disregarding the two Wars of the Elves which triggered two world wars, disregarding the Great Depression (which he caused), and even disregarding the worldwide flu epidemic of 1919 (which he had nothing to do with), there still is no one who has done so much to ruin such a joyous holiday and turn it into the debt-ridden agony of materialistic overindulgence it has become. Maybe that is why we love him so much.
Geopolitics of the North Pole. The physical environment has always strongly influenced the flow of history, and the North Pole is no exception. For one thing, the North Pole’s cold climate severely reduced the need for refrigerators, which have an unfortunate tendency to fall on top of and kill people. This allowed the Eskimo population to flourish.
The money saved from not buying refrigerators could be used to buy guns, a favorite Eskimo pastime, which makes them very dangerous. Also the long winter nights at the North Pole forced the Eskimos to trade light bulbs to the South Pole for extra light trapped by the Antarctic land mass during its equally long stretches of daylight. This also accounts for the fact that light bulbs resemble penguins.)
The North Pole’s position on the International Dateline gave it Christmas twice per year
(December 25th and April 15th). Also, the North Pole also has most of the world’s green crude toy ore deposits. Teddy Roosevelt once described a lump of this ore as resembling “a gang of Gumby’s trapped for three hours in a microwave oven.,” a remarkable statement since he died decades before microwaves, Gumby, or even accurate timekeeping were invented.
The point here is that toy ore needs to be mined and worked. Unfortunately, the one available labor source, Eskimos, refused to work in the mines, preferring either to hibernate or shoot their guns at anything that moves or snores. During the Industrial Revolution in the 1800s when large scale toy mining and processing was taking place, the next closest source of labor for the North Pole toy mines was Canadian Elves who had formed the last wave of migrants from Siberia to America. Central Asia was their ancestral homeland, but in the late 1100s a chain reaction of events starting in Finland displaced them.
Finland, of course, was the homeland of the Clowns who, contrary to popular belief, are a highly evolved subspecies of Homo Sapiens Sapiens (i.e., me). In addition to such natural features as their large red noses, shocks of brightly colored hair (to attract mates), and big floppy feet. Clowns are also endowed with brilliant minds and superhuman strength. Despite our desire to portray them as good natured and harmless circus performers, they are extremely dangerous and mean.
In 1180 their relentless leader, Jingles the Merciless (1178-1213) forcibly unified the Clowns and launched a campaign of conquest unparalleled in both its brutality and physical comedy. Using such unspeakable weapons as seltzer bottles loaded with Greek fire (similar to our modern napalm), and catapults firing giant cyanide cream pies, the Clowns carved out a savage empire stretching from Finland to Vladivostok. The Empire of the Bozos (from the clown word meaning “pie throwing maniacs” even handed Genghis Khan’s Mongol Horde a humiliating defeat. The Mongols in turn crashed into the Elves, half of whom fled into Siberia, the other half to North America, where they lived peacefully until the 1800s.
Elves were well suited to toy mining for several reasons. They don’t eat much. They are small and thus easy to push around. And they have big ears that let them hear any stalking killer penguins, a particularly large and vicious type of penguin with razor sharp teeth that inhabits caves, and toy mineshafts. All that was needed was someone to lead the Eskimos in raids to capture the Elves. That someone was St. Nicholas (AKA Santa Claus).
St Nicholas the thirty-eighth son of an impoverished chimney sweep, was born in Norway around 1850. Large size, both in terms of numbers of offspring and bulk, was a family trait. His ancestors had been a special class of Viking berserkers (from the Clown word Bozo) who would jump on enemy ships and tip them over with their weight.
How he came to be known as a saint is not completely clear, although most accounts revolve around him visiting Rome as a youth and kidnapping the Pope and forcibly extracting the honor from him.
Because of his size, Nicholas (and the rest of his family, for that matter) were ill suited for chimney sweeping, so it remains a mystery why that was traditionally the family profession. (One theory revolves around a love of soot). In 1877, young Nicholas got caught in a chimney, a sight that attracted a large crowd of spectators. His solution was both ingenious and lethal. By eating huge amounts of food, his body mass expanded to the point that the chimney exploded, killing 37 people in what has been known ever after as The Great Oslo Chimney massacre. Nicholas was committed to an insane asylum, not just for the killing, but also for thinking he could fit in a chimney in the first place. Soon afterward, he jumped a guard, flattened him, and fled to the North Pole.
The Eskimos made St. Nicholas their leader after he mowed five of them down in a gunfight and promised the rest vacations in Florida. (He actually sent them to Cleveland, but they didn’t know the difference.) Then, from 1882-85 he launched a series of savage raids into Saskatchewan (“Land of the Big Ears”) where he rounded up Elves for working in his toy mines. It was at this time that the Elves gave him the name Santa Claus, most likely a Cheyenne word meaning “fat man with a whip”.
But a new problem arose: Canadian Elves may not eat much, but they are picky eaters who require the finest of French cuisine. With Elves dropping like flies from self-starvation, Santa launched a new set of raids, this time into Quebec to get French chefs (1889-92). Meanwhile the United States had been watching events with growing concern and in 1900 invoked the Monroe Doctrine against the “Norwegian Nemesis” as the press called Santa.
(Contrary to popular belief, the Monroe Doctrine didn’t get its name from US President Monroe. Rather, it was the maiden name of Santa’ wife.)
What ensued was the First War of the Elves (1900-01). Although it seemed to most that the United States should win an easy victory, Santa’s terrible arsenal of “toys” (typically known as toys of Mass Destruction, or TMD) gave him a decisive edge. For one thing, the Eskimos had harnessed and trained killer penguins to use spiked clubs and fight in packs. In addition, there was Santa’s alliance with the Clowns who had been on the run since the breakup of the Empire of the Bozos in the 1600s. Because Santa himself was 1/16th clown, the Clowns elected him Grand High Bozo and followed him into battle with all the ferocious defiance of death known to their kind. In addition to their catapults throwing giant cyanide cream pies, seltzer bottles that shot Greek Fire, the Clowns deployed their newly developed tiny tricycles armed with Martian death beams. Last and most decisive, was Santa’s domestication of the flying reindeer who, when hitched to the heavily armed D-1 Combat and Delivery Sleigh, proved to be the ultimate weapon of the day.
Early attempts to domesticate the flying reindeer met with limited success. Elf trainers first tried to ride their backs, but were too small to see over the antlers. Next they sat on the reindeer’s head and tried to steer them using the antlers as a sort of handlebars. However, the elves’ tiny feet dangling down blinded the reindeer, causing them to crash into trees (a most puzzling phenomenon to historians, since there are no trees at the North Pole). Finally, the elves tried hitching the reindeer up to a sleigh, and the S-1 Combat and Delivery Sleigh was born. Given Santa’s weight and the heavy arsenal of toys such sleighs had to bear, teams of eight tiny reindeer had to be used for each sleigh. Although its turning radius was extremely wide, the S-1 was lightning quick (literally) and more than a match for the hydrogen-filled zeppelins the Americans used against them.
The American army marched northward, totally unaware of the disaster about to befall them. Suddenly, hundreds of Elf-driven sleighs swooped out of the skies, pouring bombs and razor sharp candy canes on the bewildered and stunned Americans. Then a merciless barrage of cyanide cream pies sent them retreating into hordes of killer penguins who had infiltrated their ranks disguised as household servants.
The First War of the Elves was such a total and unexpected defeat for the United States that American history books never mention it. However, the Americans being a resilient lot, were determined to get revenge. First they developed the airplane in 1903 to combat the flying reindeer. Then in 1914, they cleverly manipulated events in Europe to start World War I by faking the assassination of a mythical archduke, merely as a testing ground for the airplane’s combat capabilities.
In 1926 the United States invoked a toy embargo against Santa to provoke him into war. The resulting Second War of the Elves (1927-8) reversed the decision of the first war. The airplane proved to be much more maneuverable and easier to mass-produce than the slowly reproducing flying reindeer. Fake Santas put in Canadian shopping malls confused the Elves and disrupted Santa’s command structure by giving absurd orders that the elves mindlessly obeyed. Finally, the Americans cleverly planted peppermint candy canes in the Elves’ rations, giving them terrible tummy aches that making them cry.
The victors forced the harsh Treaty of the Tundra on Santa in 1929. Santa could keep his toy mines and slave empire, but his air force was reduced to one sleigh and his eight smallest reindeer (a clause he flagrantly violated). He must also pay a crippling indemnity of free toys each Christmas to all the good children in the world. In the famous “Big Top Clause”, the Clowns were dispersed to circuses across the world and forced to do cruel parodies of themselves while their families were held hostage in nearby trailers. Two of these Clowns, Ronald the Ripper and Rambo MacDonald, escaped with some wild dogs from a circus in southern California and started a well-known hamburger chain.
The Treaty of the Tundra had far-reaching and unforeseen effects. In order to meet his huge toy payments, Santa called in his loans from Swiss Banks, an act that reverberated across the Atlantic by triggering the Stock Market Crash and Great Depression. By 1934, most toy mines and refineries had shut down, throwing Christmas into a crisis. Santa’s response was swift and effective.
First of all, he spread rumors that he did not exist, thus pressuring parents to buy toys to keep their children happy. Secondly, he met with American businessmen and signed the “November Contract, which established the practice of “shopping days early” starting right after Thanksgiving. These measures spurred toy sales and increased profits to vastly exceed the cost of Santa’s toy indemnity each Christmas. Santa was back in business, and the world started to emerge from the Depression.
Then came World War II (1939-45), started by Adolf Hitler who had been a very naughty boy, only getting coal in his stocking each Christmas. Among his victims was Santa’s native land of Norway, which caused Santa to shift from toy production to that of weapons. It was probably the most decisive development of the war and would have a profound effect on the direction of toy production after 1945.
With the war over, Santa’s profits skyrocketed to new heights. The terms of the November Contract successively expanded the Christmas season to Halloween (the October Contract in 1973), Labor Day (the September Contract in 1984) and Super Bowl Sunday (the January Contract in 1987). Negotiations are now underway to extend it further to Valentine’s Day.
Much stricter behavior standards plus electronic surveillance of all homes and public buildings allowed Santa to severely restrict the number of children getting free toys and cutting into his profits. Children in communist countries were automatically excluded, largely because of Santa’s personal dislike of his distant cousin, Joseph Stalin.
In 1982, Santa moved his headquarters to Oak Brook, Illinois, next door to the headquarters of his old Clown ally and hamburger tycoon, Ronald the Ripper. Pipelines pump raw toy sludge from the North Pole to the United States where toy factories, cleverly disguised as military bases and missile silos process this sludge into toys. The leftover toy slag is processed into guacamole and sold in a popular taco chain, which Santa also owns.
Distribution of toys is done by Santa Clones who undergo a rigorous program at Camp Santa outside of Birmingham, Alabama. Here they are trained in how to dress and act like Santa, use a whip and various sorts of automatic weapons, and fly the S-35, the latest version of the combat and delivery sleigh. Santa Clones have been traditionally recruited mainly from ex-convicts and the seedier elements of society. This initially created a problem of Santa Clones looting and trashing people’s homes every Christmas Eve. In 1953, the same year Stalin died, Santa signed the Tollhouse Accord whereby Santa Clones would refrain from looting any homes where there were cookies and milk left out for them.
Operating from American military bases and aircraft carriers, the corps of Santa Clones can easily deliver all their toys in one night to the estimated 280,000 good children in the world. This surprisingly low figure is the result of a loophole in the Treaty of the Tundra that allows Santa to set the standard of what constitute a good boy or girl. The specific terms of these criteria remain a highly classified state secret.
Concern about depletion of toy ore reserves led to a failed attempt at mining Martian toy ore, which unfortunately turned out to be radioactive. The movie, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is based on this attempt, although the only authentic footage of Santa in the film is of the battle scenes. The rest of the movie is totally ridiculous and should not be taken seriously.
Overall, the future looks bright for Santa as he maintains an iron grip on our throats and wallets. As the popular song warns:
“He’s bringing his elves
And his S-20 Sleigh
He’ll get you so fast
There’s no time to pray
Santa Claus is coming to town”
Historical Sources on Santa There are three main sources of information on the North Pole’s history:
1) The so-called "Snow Chronicles" were written on snow since there are no trees at the North Pole & polar bears won't willingly give up hides for parchment. Unfortunately, the originals were skied into oblivion in the 1960's by a ski resort that was opened on top of them. Therefore, all we have are fragments of copies made by Eskimos who, apparently to maintain the secrecy of these records, wrote them in Sanskrit that was then transcribed into Chinese ideographs. It’s still a mystery how the Eskimos have become so fluent in these two languages.
2) Film footage from "Santa Claus conquers the Martians".
3) Hearsay and cheap gossip
Green toy ore is a naturally occurring mineral found almost exclusively at the North Pole. In its unrefined state, it resembles green Play Dough in color and consistency. When carefully refined, one pound of toy ore can be processed into 100,000-150,000 toys. The current market value of one pound of toy ore is over $1,000,000. Currently, the toy ore mined at the North Pole is mixed with water into toy sludge and piped to toy factories in the US where it is processed into toys. The dregs (known as toy slag), are further processed into guacamole and piped to Taco Bell restaurants, which Santa also owns.
The only other known source of toy ore in the universe is Mars, which Santa colonized in the 1950s. Unlike the toy ore on earth, which is green, Martian toy ore (below) is red, because it is radioactive.
This came to the public’s attention in 1958 when lots of toys that glowed in the dark appeared under people’s Christmas trees. When it looked like Santa was going to get sued, he pulled off one of the greatest scams in legal history: he sued himself. Creating a fake public interest group, he filed a class action suit against himself, which he not only won, but profited immensely from, not just from the settlement, but also all the publicity and free advertising it generated.
The Strange Evolution of the Light Bulb
The North Pole, unlike the South Pole, is not on a landmass, which, of course, is necessary fortrapping light. In the late 1800s when the light bulb was invented, light trappers first went to Africa, which then had abundant light resources. Unfortunately, the primitive and wasteful mining techniques of the times destroyed more photons than they gathered. By 1920, Africa had been stripped of virtually all its photons, thus the term the Dark Continent. This forced the Eskimos to rely on Antarctica for light. Since then, Africa’s photon resources have revived to sustainable levels for the people there, but not for export.
In order to gain better access to Antarctica’s photon reserves, Santa has relentlessly promoted global warming to melt the polar ice caps.
Christmas 2.0 and Eskimoes. As any satellite photo will show you, the global lines of longitude all converge at the poles, so theoretically the North Pole could have up to 365.25 Christmases per year. The reason it’s only twice (April 15 & December 25) is simply because that’s all Santa needs. To understand this we need to understand the nature of Santa’s information gathering until 1978 when computerized electronic surveillance started being installed in all public buildings and most private dwellings. The old saw that “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake” was pure bluff and one of the great propaganda scams of the twentieth century. Santa’s best and only source of information on children’s behavior was a massive form that parents turned in every April 15, known variously as Income Tax day or Christmas 1.0. It would take Santa’s staff the full eight months until December 25 (Christmas 2.0) to sort through this information and determine who were the 280,000 “good” children in the world.
The origin of gun-shaped candy canes goes back to the Great Ammo Famine (GAF) of 1908 when Eskimos couldn’t even arm their children for school. Then someone came up with the idea of shaping peppermint candy like guns to trick their children into thinking they were giving them real guns. Eskimos, however are pretty smart, and some enterprising Eskimo child devised a way in shop class to convert the candy canes into real functioning guns. The rest is history.
Eskimos not only love guns, but are also crack shots with them. In the 1950s Hollywood tried to boost sagging revenues lost to TV by using Eskimos firing live ammunition. However, this led to two unforeseen problems.
1) First, extra revenues were eaten up by having to invent new special effects to make the Eskimos look thinner since they insisted on wearing their thick fur coats even in the Nevada heat.
2) Secondly, the free use of live ammunition triggered vicious feuds that led to an estimated 706 fatalities, including some big-name actors. Many of these feuds escalated into actual lawsuits that remain unresolved today.
Eskimoes are also championship bowlers. It’s not unusual for an Eskimo to have an unbroken string of 15 to 20 perfect games. As a result, they have so dominated the sport that it was removed from Olympic competition in 1960.
Killer Penguins (Penguines raptores) are the only species of bird that have teeth. With their prehensile wings Killer penguins can wield spiked clubs and whips. However, without fingers, they have no precision grip, so they can’t use guns or type. Even if they could type, they wouldn’t have anything interesting to say, except for academic discussions on which species of fish taste best.
Despite being bipedal and having very short legs, they can reach speeds of upwards of 70 miles per hour, although they can only sustain that speed for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. Their normal cruising speed is about 50 mph. Killer penguins have been known to run down and kill cheetahs in the African Savannah. What they were doing in the African savannah doesn’t make any sense, but neither does anything else in this paragraph.
Most killer penguins are followers of a radical sect of Eckanar, where they can astrally project themselves across vast distances. This is widely believed to be the source of their ability to fly. However, killer penguins are particularly secretive on this subject. It’s true that killer penguins are especially resentful of the movie March of the Penguins, because they think it totally misrepresents penguins as a bunch of peaceful wimps.
More Information on Elves
• Elves originated in Siberia, a Mongol word for "Land of the little people easy to push around". The area where they settled in the Western hemisphere is still known as Saskatchewan, a Native American word meaning “land of the Big Ears”. Our word for Bigfoot, Sasquatch, comes from the same root.
• Elves not properly fed suffer from a malady called Siberian Elf Rot where their ears fall off, triggering a growth hormone that makes them really big and mean. Most elves suffering from this disease end up either going into professional wrestling or politics.
• Just as Canadian elves require French cuisine, Siberian elves will only eat Mandarin Chinese cooking. This is because the French refuse to deliver in that neighborhood.
Clowns: Mongols of the Big Top. The merciless advance of the Bozo war machine mysteriously corresponded to the spread of the Black Death. Notice how the Clowns respected Switzerland’s neutrality, probably to protect Swiss banks holding the vast cash reserves earned from selling tickets to the circus.
Clowns are extremely dangerous, having both superhuman strength and intelligence. The average Clown’s IQ tops 150. Safety tip of the day: Never play a game of chess with a clown for money. Similarly, never get into juggling contest with a clown.
Clown Weapons. In addition to Selzer bottles full of Greek fire and catapults hurling cyanide cream pies Clowns deploy four other notable weapons:
• The punching Jack, a Jack-in-the-Box with a fist that knocks out its victim
• Crazy glue suctions darts that make their victims look ridiculous. As a result, they can't get dates and their population plummets, setting up their eventual conquest
• Exploding tops
• Clown hats (helmets) topped with red balls (maces). Run for your life if a Clown with a hat starts twirling his head
The end of the Empire of the Bozos. As powerful and seemingly invincible as the Clowns may have seemed, they had one overwhelming weakness: milk. Although impervious to the effects of alcohol, clowns just can’t hold their milk and have a bad habit of picking fights with other clowns, usually over some trivial matter, such as who has the reddest nose or nose the floppiest feet. Unfortunately, the Clown code of honor demands they fight to the death, which led to a drastic drop in population that left them open to their eventual conquest by the Mongols.
The Treaty of the Tundra ending the Second War of the Elves contained what is known as the "Big Top Clause", stipulating that all clowns be put in circuses where they had to do "Stupid Clown Tricks" mimicking their battle tactics. The meanest clowns were put into rodeos, where they were ordered to run and jump in barrels rather than fight the bulls, which they could easily kill with their bare hands.
Clown fun fact: Clowns address Santa as Grand Poubah, meaning Double sized Clown with extra sauce and cheese The significance of this title has been lost for centuries.
Clown art gives insight into how truly twisted their culture is. For example, in Dinner is Served by an artist simply known as Bruno, we see the intense fear Clowns have of cats. Part of the reason circuses feature lions and tigers is to keep their clowns under control. Although regular domestic house cats can do the job equally well, they’re not as much of a draw at the ticket booth.
The Great Santa Clone Uprising (1952-5) The start of the little-known Great Santa Clone Uprising (aka Santa’s Village Massacre) erupted over unsatisfied demands to replace milk & cookies with beer. Santa’s reliance on ex-cons and common thugs as Santa Clones created serious problems in the early 1950s. Not only did the Santa Clones use their plastic explosives a bit too liberally, they also had a bad habit of looting homes after delivering the toys.
In response to this came the Tollhouse Accord in 1953, whereby Santa promised the public his little “helpers” would refrain from looting homes if their inhabitants left behind milk and cookies as a peace offering.
However, beneath this accord lay a corps of disgruntled Santa Clones seething with revolt, since they had demanded beer and peanuts. While initially successful, the Santa Clones’ overconfidence after seizing control of Santa’s Village left them open to Santa’s ruthless counter-attack and ultimate victory.
In fact, the Clones had been cleverly duped into assassinating a decoy Claus in this, the first act of the ill-fated Santa’s Village Uprising. A suicide squad of Santa Clones prepared to assault Santa’s bunker. Although the attack was successful, it proved to be an empty victory as the Clones suffered heavy losses and Santa had made good his escape up the chimney and down Blitzen Blvd. Rebel Santa Clones fruitlessly tried to push in the wall of Coca Cola HQ, Santa’s most profitable corporate holding.
Unbeknownst to the Clones, inside the building lay a stockpile of nuclear weapons that might have given them some chance of victory.
Also, Santa Clone rebels held an Elf “hostage” who in reality was the spy who provided Santa with the failsafe codes that rendered the Clones’ defense systems worthless.
The failed assault on the Santa Clones’ command bunker in the bitter fighting at Candy Cane Corner finally ended the rebellion.
Rodangate and Mothragate (1956-58). The aftermath of the bloody Santa Clone Uprising was a shortage of qualified Santa Clones for delivering toys on Christmas Eve. One catastrophic experiment carried out in Tokyo in 1956 was the use of giant flying lizards, known as rodans, for delivering toys. Unfortunately, while the rodans were smart enough to make the proper deliveries and had a good work ethic, their huge wingspans created gale force winds that demolished most of Tokyo. And what the winds didn’t destroy the colossal weight of the flying lizards landing on rooftops did. Even worse, it was mating season for the rodans and the horrible screeching of the female rodans in heat woke up and scared all the little Japanese children.
An even more disastrous experiment, also carried out in Tokyo in 1958, was the use of giant moths, known as mothras, for delivering toys. Besides the same old problems of hurricane force winds, collapsed roofs and panicked little children, there was the fact that mothras are really stupid and rarely delivered the right toys to the right children. Japan’s postal system is still trying to sort out the mess.
Santa issued a public apology for the damage and chaos caused by his rodans and mothras for delivering toys. However, despite his promise of restitution for the damage, he never paid one red cent to the Japanese people. Instead he sued the Japanese film companies for using footage of his rodans and mothras in their movies, claiming he had genetically modified these creatures, making any footage of them shown without his permission a violation of copyright and patent laws.
Santa won his case
The Physics of Santa If Santa had to deliver toys to all the good boys and girls in the world, this is what he'd be up against: Let’s say there are 378,000,000 good children in the world with an average of 3.5 per household. That would still confront Santa with 91,800,000 separate delivery stops. Assuming he would take advantage of the East-to-West rotation of earth and various time zones, he would have 31 hours to get the job done. That would still require 822.6 visits per second, giving him 1/823rd of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, go down the chimney, deliver the toys, eat whatever snacks were left, get back up and into his sleigh, and reach his next destination.
If all the houses were evenly distributed over the globe, Santa would have to travel an average of .78 miles between houses, making his entire trip 75.5 million miles.
To make that journey, Santa would have to travel 650 miles per second, which is 3000 times the speed of sound. Our fastest space probe only goes a poky 27.4 miles per second. Conventional reindeer can only travel 15 MPH…tops.
Then there’s the mass of the payload. Assuming the average delivery weighs only 2 lbs. (based on a typical lego set), the combined weight of all the toys would come to 321,300 tons. Assuming a flying reindeer can pull 1.5 tons (10X the capacity of a land reindeer), Santa would still need 214,200 reindeer. This would increase the total mass of the payload to an estimated 353,430 tons, roughly four times the weight of our largest luxury cruiser. A mass of 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second would create tremendous air resistance. In fact, the lead reindeer would be absorbing 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second, causing it to burst into flames immediately and create deafening sonic booms. In fact, the entire team of reindeer would be vaporized in .00426 seconds, while Santa would be subjected to centrifugal forces equal to 17,500.06 times our earth’s gravity, some 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever tried do this, he's dead now.
All this assumes that Santa gives toys to all or most of the children in the world… which he doesn’t. This is the result of a loophole in the Treaty of the Tundra that dictated Santa give toys to all the good children in the world, but failed to define what criteria determine whether a child is good or not. Naturally, Santa immediately exploited this oversight by applying his own strict criteria. By the time it was clear what he was doing, the Depression had hit (caused by Santa pulling his gold reserves from Swiss banks), thus preventing the U.S. from doing anything about Santa and the Great Toy Famine of ‘32). Santa decided to declare there are 280,000 good children in the world, the result of careful studies to determine the minimum number and proper distribution of homes needed to give the illusion that Santa actually exists (which he does) and gives all good children toys (which he clearly doesn’t).
Santa actually saw this indemnity as “seed money” to maximize his profits. For every child that got toys from him, there were a hundred who didn’t, and 200 parents who didn’t want their children to be traumatized on Christmas day, sending them on massive spending sprees, since parents, like Calvinists, never knew for sure if they were among the chosen few. So they spent heavily on toys to protect their children from the emotional trauma of not getting any toys on Christmas morning. Santa considers Black Friday the happiest day of the year
Santa FAQ Is the current Santa the original one? That is both the most common and dumbest question we are asked. The original Santa lost his life on April 30, 1945 in the final assault on Hitler’s Reichstag in Berlin at the end of World War II. He was only 118 at the time. There have been 3 Santas since then.
Santa II was shot down only six years later over N. Korea on Christmas Eve, 1951.
His successor, Santa III died in a mid-air collision with a Boeing 707 over LA onChristmas Eve, 1967. Luckily, no reindeer were hurt.
His son and successor, Santa IV, the first in the family to graduate from West Point, currentlyrules over the vast Santa Empire. He is 112 years old and in prime health.
What are Santa’s hobbies? Hunting and macramé. He also has world-class collections of whips, guns, and Barbie dolls. He is an internationally renowned whipster and current holder of the world championship.
Is it true that the letters of “Santa Claus” can be rearranged to spell the more demonic “SatanSlauc”? No.
How does Santa deal with houses without chimneys?William Levitt, the inventor of mass-produced low-cost housing after World War II, is the culprit responsible for this. Levitt cut costs by not putting in real fireplaces with chimneys, thus blocking the traditional portal of entry that Santa’s clan has used for centuries. (This is why they were chimney sweeps, so they could ensure clean getaways when they robbed people’s homes.)
Anyway, since Santa was still bound by the terms of the Treaty of the Tundra, he and his Santa Clones had to find a different way in. He first tried to declare that all the children in the suburbs were spoiled brats and didn’t get toys. However, the precedents set by civil rights legislation and court decisions in the 1950s shot
that down as unfair discrimination. As a last resort, Santa turned to plastic explosives to blow locked doors off their hinges. I say last resort, not because he didn’t like blowing things up (who doesn’t?), but because it was expensive.
This was 1958 when there was a downturn in the economy, and Santa didn’t want to convert his liquidity to any new ventures. However, his hand was forced, and that’s how he got into the plastic explosives industry, which he now controls.
What are Santa Clones equipped with?
• One fully padded bulletproof Santa suit, 2 fake beards, and 2 whips,
• 1 AK-47 w/50,000 rounds of ammo and 5,000 charges of C-4 explosives for locked houses without chimneys
• 1 copy of 1001 Foreign Phrases any American Should Know, 1 copy of Bunker's Magically Entering Buildings, vol. II on Priv. Residences (2013
• One S-35 combat and delivery sleigh equipped two generations ahead of our best aircraft.
